Love without expectations.
This one is a hard one. It takes lots of practice and refocus.
In life, everyday we live filled with expectations. Expectations of how our days will go, what blessings we will receive, how our kids will behave. Expectations for birthdays, events, promotions. But let's be honest, how many days actually go according to our "plan"?
Mine? Almost none.
Its the same for our marriage.
When we get married, start a relationship, have a crush. We set certain expectations for how we want them to treat us. What we expect them to do. Open the door, send cute notes, buy you presents. You know, the ideal picture of what our love will look like. & a lot of the time its like one of those cheesy love stories >> anyone else thinking of The Notebook???
We want the beautiful wedding, amazing honeymoon. The laughs and love. The cute children who are so behaved. The white picket fence.
Then we actually get in the season and realize its freaking hard.
The hustle and bustle, the chaos, what life throws are you or the blessings you're praying for that aren't happening quick enough. They are all a struggle, but our expectations never change.
& it leaves us feeling well, unloved.
I realized this was happening in my marriage.
I can't even tell you how many times I would do something and EXPECT praise from my husband. Wear something different or style my hair different and EXPECT the compliment. Be wanting to go somewhere (date night) and EXPECT my husband to read my mind. He would say something or do something to hurt my feelings and just EXPECT him to know exactly what he said or did. I would do something for him with the EXPECTATION that he would do something bigger and better in return.
Sound familiar?
And truly, it doesn't come from a place of disdain. It comes from that full on perfect picture of love I always expected growing up. The one based on a romance novel vs reality. What I've realized is that when I set these crazy expectations I'm always left with that unloved feeling.
I actually learned this aspect/concept with a book called, The Love Dare. Its based off the movie, Fireproof and if you've never see the movie or read the book. DO IT! It really made me step back and see how selfish I was being. Not on purpose, because of expectations.
Hear me out.
You should set standards and expectations in a marriage. Rules, do and don't, boundaries but it truly should be together and as a couple.
In order to do that it means you have to quit expecting your spouse to solve the problem and be proactive to make it happen. You have to sit down and have conversations about what is bothering you or what you want to achieve.
Quit expecting them to read your mind.
Quit doing things just so they will pay you back.
Communicate. If somethings bothering you, say it -- nicely, so they understand and you can work together on solving in.
If you want flowers, or love letters tell them! **back to the love language post** They may not love the way you love.
If you want them to compliment you in that outfit. TELL THEM.
I know it seems simple.
I know, you don't want to feel needy, ask for things. I know it takes the romance and sexiness out of it. But would you rather be miserable in expectations or would you rather be happy in love?
Too many times I would catch myself, I would refuse to do things for him because well, he wont do anything for me. YIKES! Red flag. How selfish of me. I wasn't willing to love him, or do things that I know bless him because I wouldn't get that in return?
From experience.
If you want things to change, change starts with you.
I had to change my expectations and my need to do thoughtful things because was expecting something in return.
Put a love note in his lunch box.
Buy him his favorite dinner & plan a date night in.
Send him a cute voice message.
Give him a back massage.
Take out the trash for him.
Plan a guys night out with his friends.
Do something that will bless him, simply because you love him.
With ZERO expectations.
Don't ask for a thanks, a hug, a gift or him to return the favor.
Just love him.
You'll see over time as you give love freely. Love comes back.
When you let that expectation guard down, your spouse feels loved by you. In return, as you build that trust up they feel closer. They feel loved. They feel wanted. Guess what... they will start doing things for you, because they love you MORE!
To me it seemed totally crazy because when I did the Love Dare the first time I was totally annoyed. Like here I am doing all this for him and nothing. Slowly as time went by and my love began to show it felt like we were back to the love we once had. From there it only got better.
Now, full disclosure, I'm human. I'm not the best at this. I still want him to do, act, say things to me to make me feel loved but now I can be more vocal about it. I can tell how I'm feeling and why. I still catch myself expecting but when I see it I can recognize it, own it & change it!
/
Today I want you to ask yourself, are you giving your love freely or
are you trapped in expectation?
This one is a hard one. It takes lots of practice and refocus.
In life, everyday we live filled with expectations. Expectations of how our days will go, what blessings we will receive, how our kids will behave. Expectations for birthdays, events, promotions. But let's be honest, how many days actually go according to our "plan"?
Mine? Almost none.
Its the same for our marriage.
When we get married, start a relationship, have a crush. We set certain expectations for how we want them to treat us. What we expect them to do. Open the door, send cute notes, buy you presents. You know, the ideal picture of what our love will look like. & a lot of the time its like one of those cheesy love stories >> anyone else thinking of The Notebook???We want the beautiful wedding, amazing honeymoon. The laughs and love. The cute children who are so behaved. The white picket fence.
Then we actually get in the season and realize its freaking hard.
The hustle and bustle, the chaos, what life throws are you or the blessings you're praying for that aren't happening quick enough. They are all a struggle, but our expectations never change.
& it leaves us feeling well, unloved.
I realized this was happening in my marriage.
I can't even tell you how many times I would do something and EXPECT praise from my husband. Wear something different or style my hair different and EXPECT the compliment. Be wanting to go somewhere (date night) and EXPECT my husband to read my mind. He would say something or do something to hurt my feelings and just EXPECT him to know exactly what he said or did. I would do something for him with the EXPECTATION that he would do something bigger and better in return.
Sound familiar?
And truly, it doesn't come from a place of disdain. It comes from that full on perfect picture of love I always expected growing up. The one based on a romance novel vs reality. What I've realized is that when I set these crazy expectations I'm always left with that unloved feeling.
I actually learned this aspect/concept with a book called, The Love Dare. Its based off the movie, Fireproof and if you've never see the movie or read the book. DO IT! It really made me step back and see how selfish I was being. Not on purpose, because of expectations.
Hear me out.
You should set standards and expectations in a marriage. Rules, do and don't, boundaries but it truly should be together and as a couple.
In order to do that it means you have to quit expecting your spouse to solve the problem and be proactive to make it happen. You have to sit down and have conversations about what is bothering you or what you want to achieve.
Quit expecting them to read your mind.
Quit doing things just so they will pay you back.
Communicate. If somethings bothering you, say it -- nicely, so they understand and you can work together on solving in.
If you want flowers, or love letters tell them! **back to the love language post** They may not love the way you love.
If you want them to compliment you in that outfit. TELL THEM.
I know it seems simple.
I know, you don't want to feel needy, ask for things. I know it takes the romance and sexiness out of it. But would you rather be miserable in expectations or would you rather be happy in love?
Too many times I would catch myself, I would refuse to do things for him because well, he wont do anything for me. YIKES! Red flag. How selfish of me. I wasn't willing to love him, or do things that I know bless him because I wouldn't get that in return?
From experience.
If you want things to change, change starts with you.
I had to change my expectations and my need to do thoughtful things because was expecting something in return.
Put a love note in his lunch box.
Buy him his favorite dinner & plan a date night in.
Send him a cute voice message.
Give him a back massage.
Take out the trash for him.
Plan a guys night out with his friends.
Do something that will bless him, simply because you love him.
With ZERO expectations.
Don't ask for a thanks, a hug, a gift or him to return the favor.
Just love him.
You'll see over time as you give love freely. Love comes back.
When you let that expectation guard down, your spouse feels loved by you. In return, as you build that trust up they feel closer. They feel loved. They feel wanted. Guess what... they will start doing things for you, because they love you MORE!
To me it seemed totally crazy because when I did the Love Dare the first time I was totally annoyed. Like here I am doing all this for him and nothing. Slowly as time went by and my love began to show it felt like we were back to the love we once had. From there it only got better.
Now, full disclosure, I'm human. I'm not the best at this. I still want him to do, act, say things to me to make me feel loved but now I can be more vocal about it. I can tell how I'm feeling and why. I still catch myself expecting but when I see it I can recognize it, own it & change it!
/
Today I want you to ask yourself, are you giving your love freely or
are you trapped in expectation?
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