This weekend I went on a MUCH needed getaway with some friends. Kenny & I have been so busy lately we haven't got to connect with each other. I was excited to really relax and spend time unplugged.
The friends I went with? They are all into health & fitness too. They do the programs I do, they coach and help others like I do. So for once I wasn't afraid to be in my bikini. I knew they would accept me as me. No judgement.
You see, for me being in a bikini around other women; that's a trigger for me. Because of someone else's actions/words a long time ago I get so fearful and self conscious in those situations -- that's a story for another day though.
This time, I was NOT nervous or really even focused on my looks. Its taken me a long time to accept and love my body as it is. I work hard on the daily for my health and happiness & I learned a long time ago how shaming my body hurts me.
What's crazy is how all that confidence can drop in a minute.
While floating, parked at a sand bar, eating some snacks she stopped me.
She was enjoying herself, too much to drink && came up to me. First admiring my hair because well, space buns && I mean it is purple. Then it quickly turned as she poked me in the stomach...
I'll admit, I didn't even register what she said.
The second her finger touched my stomach, my heart picked up pace. My stomach dropped, I looked for an escape STAT. Like where is my swim cover?!? I genuinely wanted to melt on the spot. I realized, she was judging my body.
Which means halfway in the float, she had been looking at it before this second.
What was she thinking, what was she saying?!?
Being in my element, drinks, friends, the river, no cares; that was refreshing.
So to say I was taken back by her actions would be putting it lightly. Shit I'm getting anxious butterflies just typing this.
Like, how DARE she. She doesn't know my story. My struggles. My hard work. She doesn't get permission to take my joy, to tell me my body isn't good enough.
&& I realized she wasn't intentionally judging me. She was judging herself but using MY body for comparison. I noticed this as her friend picked her up saying how I didn't know her story. Telling her to embrace her own body. To pull her head outta her ass because she amazing.
I mean I know my flaws are there::
I've got extra skin from where I housed & grew 3 beautiful boys.
I have stretch marks on my inner thighs from my freshman 15 (it was more like 30 but, ya know).
I have this cool shelf in my bikini line that sticks out from the scar tissue built up from back to back c sections.
My boobs. HA, well thank heavens for push up bras!
You get the idea. I've got things I'm not obsessed with about my own body.
But I love it because of what I have overcome. BECAUSE of where I've came from.
I've worked HARD to get where I am today. To truly see ME for what I'M worth, not how my body looks. I bust my ass on the regular learning to love myself as I am.
So to that girl, who judged my body.
I'm sorry you're hurting, but hurting others in return wont fix it.
I pray that you can come to peace with you & realize how you look doesn't matter. No one was worried about how your body looked, except for you.
Just because your story doesn't look like mine, it doesn't mean I don't have one. It doesn't mean I don't feel.
What I want you to know is how beautiful YOU are. Forget the body image shit. Forget the size, the number on the scale, the negative self talk. When you get over all of that and dig into your happiness and your self love; you'll realize that YOU matter; not the way you look.
When you quit living to compare. When you quit judging yourself (and others) you'll realize those worries you are bottling up are only inner stories you keep telling yourself. The "I'm not enough thoughts are coming from you & no one else." No one else is worried about you, your body, your looks because they are too worried about their own.
And seriously, Fuck what other people think anyhow. Anyone that matters doesn't care. Anyone who cares, doesn't matter.
You have the power of happiness & it comes from looking inward. It comes from self care. It comes when you stop being mean to yourself. So today, celebrate yourself. LOVE YOURSELF. Look at where you came from & be proud of what you've accomplished.
But most importantly give yourself grace.
&& know that the way I look is my business, not yours.
The friends I went with? They are all into health & fitness too. They do the programs I do, they coach and help others like I do. So for once I wasn't afraid to be in my bikini. I knew they would accept me as me. No judgement.
You see, for me being in a bikini around other women; that's a trigger for me. Because of someone else's actions/words a long time ago I get so fearful and self conscious in those situations -- that's a story for another day though.
This time, I was NOT nervous or really even focused on my looks. Its taken me a long time to accept and love my body as it is. I work hard on the daily for my health and happiness & I learned a long time ago how shaming my body hurts me.
What's crazy is how all that confidence can drop in a minute.
While floating, parked at a sand bar, eating some snacks she stopped me.
She was enjoying herself, too much to drink && came up to me. First admiring my hair because well, space buns && I mean it is purple. Then it quickly turned as she poked me in the stomach...
I'll admit, I didn't even register what she said.
The second her finger touched my stomach, my heart picked up pace. My stomach dropped, I looked for an escape STAT. Like where is my swim cover?!? I genuinely wanted to melt on the spot. I realized, she was judging my body.
Which means halfway in the float, she had been looking at it before this second.
What was she thinking, what was she saying?!?
Being in my element, drinks, friends, the river, no cares; that was refreshing.
So to say I was taken back by her actions would be putting it lightly. Shit I'm getting anxious butterflies just typing this.
Like, how DARE she. She doesn't know my story. My struggles. My hard work. She doesn't get permission to take my joy, to tell me my body isn't good enough.
&& I realized she wasn't intentionally judging me. She was judging herself but using MY body for comparison. I noticed this as her friend picked her up saying how I didn't know her story. Telling her to embrace her own body. To pull her head outta her ass because she amazing.
But all I could feel was the look of judgment and disdain.
Mortified, is a good word.
Hurt, describes my heart.
Sad, explains my feelings.
The things she doesn't know is I've been there. I used to say those things to myself.
Hurt, describes my heart.
Sad, explains my feelings.
The things she doesn't know is I've been there. I used to say those things to myself.
I mean I know my flaws are there::
I've got extra skin from where I housed & grew 3 beautiful boys.
I have stretch marks on my inner thighs from my freshman 15 (it was more like 30 but, ya know).
I have this cool shelf in my bikini line that sticks out from the scar tissue built up from back to back c sections.
My boobs. HA, well thank heavens for push up bras!
You get the idea. I've got things I'm not obsessed with about my own body.
But I love it because of what I have overcome. BECAUSE of where I've came from.
I've worked HARD to get where I am today. To truly see ME for what I'M worth, not how my body looks. I bust my ass on the regular learning to love myself as I am.
So to that girl, who judged my body.
I'm sorry you're hurting, but hurting others in return wont fix it.
I pray that you can come to peace with you & realize how you look doesn't matter. No one was worried about how your body looked, except for you.
Just because your story doesn't look like mine, it doesn't mean I don't have one. It doesn't mean I don't feel.
What I want you to know is how beautiful YOU are. Forget the body image shit. Forget the size, the number on the scale, the negative self talk. When you get over all of that and dig into your happiness and your self love; you'll realize that YOU matter; not the way you look.
When you quit living to compare. When you quit judging yourself (and others) you'll realize those worries you are bottling up are only inner stories you keep telling yourself. The "I'm not enough thoughts are coming from you & no one else." No one else is worried about you, your body, your looks because they are too worried about their own.
And seriously, Fuck what other people think anyhow. Anyone that matters doesn't care. Anyone who cares, doesn't matter.
You have the power of happiness & it comes from looking inward. It comes from self care. It comes when you stop being mean to yourself. So today, celebrate yourself. LOVE YOURSELF. Look at where you came from & be proud of what you've accomplished.
But most importantly give yourself grace.
&& know that the way I look is my business, not yours.
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